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stripesdontmakeyoustraight:

stripesdontmakeyoustraight:

If you ever think you did something embarrassing just remember that I had a really hot waiter one time and i was gonna order double pepperoni pizza but I looked him dead in the eye and accidentally asked for double penetration pizza in front of my whole family

Stop reblogging my failure

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the-best-of-funny:

a-dur:

onefitmodel:

realising that we’re almost halfway through the year 2013 and i have literally achieved nothing 

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realising that you’re reading this almost halfway through 2014 and still haven’t achieved anything

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littlemammal:

at work last week i was ringing up this guys order and when he signed i was trying to read his signature and i was like “is your last name Duck?” and he got really nervous and he was like “oh nobodys ever uhh noticed before…. i signed it as donald duck i always sign as donald duck im sorry”

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